We’ve all heard the advice: “Love yourself first.” But in a world that often equates self-prioritization with arrogance or neglect of others, many of us hesitate. But is practicing self-love just selfishness in disguise? Or is it something deeper, more necessary?
I was in my 30’s when I was preparing a program for my TheBeaitifulu! project. I was thinking of the different ways we actually express love to others and then asking would we show that same love and care to ourselves. But when I asked myself, I had to make changes immediately.And when I first started my journey of whole-self love—as in truly caring for my mind, body, and spirit—I kept running into this inner battle: Am I being selfish? Or am I finally loving myself the way God intended?
Growing up, especially in cultures that praise sacrifice and submission (shoutout to both Naija and church life), there’s this subtle message: “If you think of yourself too much, you’re selfish.” But sis, that’s a lie from the pit. There is a healthy, God-honouring version of self-love, and it’s time we talk about it.
In this post, we’re peeling back the layers of this common misconception. You’ll discover why self-love is not only not selfish, but actually essential for your mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. If you’ve ever felt guilty for putting yourself first, keep reading—you might just change your mind.
What Is Self-Love?
Self-love is knowing your God-given worth and treating yourself accordingly. It’s:
- Setting boundaries, not building walls
- Saying “no” without guilt
- Listening to your body when it needs rest
- Choosing peace over people-pleasing
- Speaking kindly to yourself—even on your bloated days
Self-love is rooted in the truth that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. It’s not about vanity or ego. It’s about stewardship—taking care of what God gave you.
“Love your neighbour as yourself.” — Mark 12:31
(How can you pour out love if your own cup is empty?)
What Is Selfishness?
Selfishness, on the other hand, is love without boundaries. It says:
- “Me first, always.”
- “I don’t care how it affects others.”
- “My comfort matters more than your need.”
It’s when your actions become all about gaining and taking instead of giving from a healthy place. Selfishness disconnects you from community. Self-love helps you show up for it fully.
So, What’s the Difference?
| Self-Love | Selfishness |
|---|---|
| Nurtures your spirit | Inflates your ego |
| Values your time and energy | Disregards others’ time and energy |
| Seeks rest to recharge and reconnect | Avoids responsibility or sacrifice |
| Empowers you to serve from a full heart | Expects others to serve you constantly |
Why Women Struggle With This
Let’s be real: whether you grew up in Canada, Africa or even Asia, the message is usually the same—“Don’t put yourself first.” We’re taught to serve, to sacrifice, to endure. And yes, there’s beauty in that. But without balance, we lose ourselves.
As a Naija wife, I’ve had moments where I’m juggling in-laws, church work, marriage expectations, and still trying to look fresh like I slept for 8 hours. When I finally said “no” to some things to protect my peace, the guilt still hits hard. But that no doesn’t mean I’m selfish—it meant I loved myself enough to not burn out.
How to Practice Healthy Self-Love Without Feeling Guilty
- Talk to God First
Invite the Holy Spirit into your self-love journey. He’ll help you know when to rest, when to serve, and when to speak up. - Check Your Heart
Ask: “Am I doing this from a place of love or pride?” If love is the root, you’re safe. - Communicate Clearly
Let your people know your needs. Loving yourself sometimes means educating others on how to love you better too. - Celebrate Small Wins
Saying “no” to a commitment so you can take care of yourself is not failure—it’s growth. Clap for yourself.
Final Thoughts
Loving yourself is not the opposite of loving others. In fact, it makes you better at it. You become more present, more joyful, and more discerning. Selfishness isolates—but self-love empowers.
So the next time someone tries to guilt-trip you for choosing yourself, just smile and say,
“I’m not being selfish—I’m being whole.”
Want To Start Your Self-love Journey?
It start here; with my ebook. The Beautiful You: Redefining beauty according to God’s terms. Buy your copy today!
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